No, these are not repeat photos you are viewing, but in fact, a brand spanking new restart of Icarus. I am further along than I got last time, and I’ve actually been zipping along nicely. Now that I have done some lace knitting, and worked with lace weight a bit, I am much more comfortable with it, and working with it hasn’t been very difficult at all. It also helps that the repeat of the pattern is the same every right side row.
I started Icarus almost exactly a year since I first started it, and call me sappy, but the Icarus has almost been a metaphor for my marital life. When I started it last year, I was struggling with challenges, and always taking on more mentally that I could really deal with. A husband who didn’t respect me, a stepson who was closer to my age than my husband was, and who hated me to boot, in-laws that hated my guts, mounting bills, and all sorts of other things that I could spend all day naming.
I ran into a big mistake with Icarus, and I tried to fix it. I picked back tons of stitches, a few rows, desperately trying to figure out what the problem was, but ultimately, I knew that I had no choice, it was going to have to be frogged. However, I didn’t frog it until I got back home, when the same sort of situation happened with my marriage. I tried over and over again to fix it, I went back and forth on whether or not I should leave, and I spent hours reading books and online articles, arguing with him, trying to work around the flaws. But ultimately, I knew that there was no fixing it, my only choice was to leave.
Icarus of course could be restarted any time, and I’m sure I could have worked on it during the year, but I didn’t feel right about it. I was dealing with the legal paperwork, talking to attornies and spending far too much time worrying over financial things, property, and what my life would be like as a divorcee. I think I knew deep down that Icarus had become associated with my divorce somehow, and that I wouldn’t be able to pick it up until I was able to let my divorce actually GO in my mind.
I finally hit that point a few days after New Years Day, when I was contacted by Border Control Services, informing me that my ex husband was attempting to enter the country under suspicious circumstances that might have involved getting some property to me. The situation was largely blown out of proportion that day, and it turned out to be a false alarm, but it gave me some perspective.
I had been living this whole year with the frustration that every time I turned around, he was pulling something that brought him back into my mind, back into my life, and I hated that, I just wanted to move on and let his memory fade into the background of my past. But I realized a few days ago that it wasn’t me who had the problem, it was him. He’s the one who can’t let go of things. He will continue to think about me until he’s returned my things to me, and he will probably continue to attempt to reach me in ridiculous ways that will make him look like an idiot, or even set off a border guard’s "creepy" alarm and get himself denied access into the country again. Either way…I can just sit back, enjoy my wonderful boyfriend, knit up beautiful things like Icarus, and carry on with my life.
I have done what I thought was never going to be possible… I let go.