This month has become the month of reflections. Not just on how much my life has changed, and how different things are now to how they were then, but of my personal reflection too. The experiences I have had over the past year have changed who I am to a great extent. I am not the same person now as I was then, by a long shot, and I believe my knitting has reflected that as well.
Last Christmas, my knitting was all about making things for my boys, to keep them warm and comfortable, I was literally trying to bestow love and warmth to them in the form of a gift that was hand knit. This year, well, my knitted gifts are much more personal, and tuned to each person. Instead of love and warmth, I have tried to gift each person with something that reminds me of them, or will remind them of me in a way. And I’m happy to report that my Christmas knitting is finished as of last night, and this evening, I even managed to finish a new pair of socks for myself.
I keep comparing the differences in setting, and I couldn’t help opening up my photobucket to reminisce on the past couple of Christmases, where what I was surrounded by was this:
where as now I see this:
It feels strange to hang my ornaments with theirs again, and even though I know I am apart of this family, it almost felt like I was crowding THEIR tree with MY stuff. It felt different to be putting up a tree that wasn’t mine, a village that I didn’t purchase myself, and I don’t think I’ve even seen what the house looks like with all the lights up yet. For the time being, things are still a little painful, and I’m taking it one day at a time. I really believe that if I were on my own, I wouldn’t really "do" Christmas this year.
The biggest glaring difference however, is that I am not the person responsible for making it happen. No one is looking to me for cookies, decorations, presents, Christmas dinner, or to facilitate the events. This is both good, and bad. To be honest, in my current setting, I am glad I am not going to run Christmas, because they aren’t my decorations, this is not my house, and I am not the hostess. On the other hand, if I were responsible, well, it would be a very good distraction to keep me from focusing on what’s not there, and what’s changed.
Christmas for me has changed in meaning as well. Last year’s was so abysmal (though I will continue to keep most of the reasons why that is to myself), that I really didn’t want it to happen this year. I as a person have changed too, my outlook is definitely very different. I used to get very excited about the holidays, not just Christmas too. Halloween, Thanksgiving, I would decorate, clean, get seasonally appropriate foods ready, and I would revel in it. Now however, I just feel the urge to sit quietly by and live my life without too much upheaval.
Perhaps the New Year will bring more change, and hopefully good change too. Perhaps there will be exciting new adventures and experiences that will push bad Christmases and aching feelings of missing friends away, and maybe I’ll try a bunch of new knitting techniques and get lots of beautiful things made. Perhaps.